Walks Into a Bar... Free Drinks

A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8."But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer."OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

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Walks Into a Bar... Jets Fan 

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "No pets allowed."The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips.

"The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping."Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"The man replies,

"I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."

Dead Again



A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.

As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.As they are walking, the husband cries out,

"Watch out for the wall!"

Castration
Doc, says Steve, "I want to be castrated.""What on Earth for?""It's something I've been thinking about for a long time. If you don't do it, I'll just go to another doctor.""OK, but it's against my better judgment."Steve has his operation. The next day he walks down the hospital corridor very slowly, legs apart, with his drip stand. Heading toward him is another patient walking exactly the same way."Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me.""Yeah," says the patient, "I finally decided I'd like to be circumcised."Steve's eyes widen in horror, "Oh no! That's the word!"

“MS. THOMPSON, it said in heavy block letters, PLEASE KEEP YOUR FELINE OFF MY PROPERTY. IF I SEE IT AGAIN, I WILL EAT IT.” ― Patricia Briggs #humour